Anhedonic

He’s in grad school for pharmacy.

Shiiiiiit.

Why do we only say what we truly mean when we’re drunk? It’s a good indicator of the shit you have bottled up. Feelings I thought I did have surface. Names. Feelings. Relations. 

Only in insobriety do I make poor decisions and say stupid things. Decisions that normally would not stand. But the same thing goes for everyone.

I’ll move on, forget about it until I’m drunk.

I said I wouldn’t text him but I did. I always do when I’m drunk. Maybe losing my phone last night would not have been so bad?

Drunk: I WANT HIM I WANT HIM I WANT HIm

Revision: I realize now that companionship could be one of the furthest things that I want. When I’m drunk, I guess I act more like my age. 

I tried to save my smoke when I was in the taxi. The driver saw and got made so I had to chuck it out the window. What a waste.

- drunk self

I feel so weak….frail….breakable….

This must be the effect of all this depressing music I’ve drowned myself in the past two days. My mind is filled with all sorts of thoughts, feelings, reflections, what-if’s and why not’s. 

I don’t know. I need to make sense of this madness. 

Mountains. I miss mountains. I took the sight of the beautiful mountains outlining the city for granted. Now in the distance, I see only concrete buildings.

I’ve never been attached to anyone. It has always been me. I do not lean on anyone. I don’t expect people to be there to console me in any way—though I do have a lot of these people. I don’t expect anything from anyone. Problems, I deal with myself. Everything else, I sort it all out on my own. It has always been this way and I am entirely okay with it.

Yet today I felt something different. I came home to an empty, dark place—a definite rarity. The lights were not on, a sign that my roommate was not in. My large window held a lovely cityscape view of one of the most beautiful cities of the country. Brightly lit buildings stretching out as far as the eye can see. Lights. I can’t explain it exactly; this is the closest I’ve ever been to lonely. I can’t help but think that it would be nice to have someone to come home to. Not waiting for me, but just there. For once, I would like not to feel so alone. Something to look forward to at the end of the day. 

Weakness. 

I feel weak. 

Everyone disgusts me.

Great things:

1. grad school
2. smokes shisha
3. speaks fluent french
4. speaks my first language
5. profile picture dressed up as a ninja